So in telling one of my best friend the situation that’s been going on in my life, it may be succinct enough to explain the situation without making a novel out of it.
So seizing the opportunity to share. This will be in conversation format. The name of the long-time friend is Amanda:
Me: How do I counsel my parents through realizing they need to get a divorce???
Amanda: From experience, just be there for each to talk to you. Why do they think they need a divorce
Me:For my mom it’s that my dad cheated on her, plus she’s this brand new independent person (lost weight, goes out partying, etc) with her own independent life.
Amanda: Well that’s not good. That threw cheating not the hot momness. Why your dad then? He say no divorce?
Me: For my dad it’s that she lost all this weight, plus new pancreatic meds, plus who knows what (if there’s such thing as latge onset bipolar, she’s got it), and she doesn’t want anything to do with him or anything that had to do with sailing (where she thinks this “other woman” is) or anything else in his life.
Me: But he’s all heartbroken that she doesn’t want to be with him or a part of his life anymore. And he’s so worn down by her persistent, never ending assertion that he’s this philandering douche bag who never loved her and she is her own person **despite** him for the first time in her life.
Me: Drugs don’t EVEN begin to cut it for me. Lol
Amanda: That’s shitty. I’m sorry. Parents suck.
Me: I just wish they’d realize all this shiiiiiiiite and separate already. But it’s such a painful process. And I also understand why they’re fighting. Cause when they’re fighting with each other, on some level they’re fighting *for* each other.
Me: But it’s like mortar fire. So much dust and debris. Just trying not to be a casualty.
Amanda: Whats keeping them form separating right now?
Me: Habit? 27 years of marriage? In some distorted way they still love each other, but can’t stand each other at the same time. It’s cause they both love the person each of them “used” to be, respectfully.
So, yeah. This has been super awesome. I just thought the way I explained it to her summarized the bottom line pretty well. Of course there are layers on this, but like I said this is the bottom line.
And I’m the adult only-child, who recently moved back home — straight into this mess, stuck right in the middle of it, being the confidant of both (especially my dad), and trying to placate and ameliorate both as much as humanly possible without pissing anyone off, and trying, ever so gently, to give each side a glimpse into the mindset and perspective of the other.
Before you say anything about professional counseling/therapy, they’ve tried that. Waited two months for the appointment. Then my mom blew it off, saying essentially that she didn’t think it was necessary. Don’t even know if my dad knew when it was. That was over a month ago.
Other friend: Re-suggest it. As their child. Maybe that’ll make them reconsider.
Me: Think of it like trying to explain evolution or the right for a woman to choose to a hard right evangelical christian.
Me: They’re both rock solid in their convictions and are 100% sure the other is wrong/at fault
Me: Plus, I just want them both to be happy. Together or apart makes no difference to me. They just don’t see that they wont be happy while they’re together.
My twitter is @pan_chromatic